December 2011
1 post
November 2011
2 posts
“my bursting heart must find vent at my pen…”
– abigail adams
August 2008
3 posts
to benjamin "kid gloves" harrison, a fraud
I’m sure your victory couldn’t be sweeter,
Benjamin Harrison, you goddamn cheater.
Harrison’s birthday was August 20.
liz+calvin coolidge=best friends forever!!!
calvin’s birthday was july 4
Best and most quiet of friends, silent Cal, You let me ride your mechanical pony! I am so lucky that you’re my pal! Though you are stoic and often stony, You’re still a staunch and stalwart crony!
I can talk about anything with you— The Kellogg-Briand pact or laissez-faire— Even your great acts of revenue! Though your diplomatic skills be spare, Your friendship...
sorry.
I have been remiss in my poetic duties.
July 2008
3 posts
July 4, 1826
John Adams and Thomas Jefferson—lifelong frenemies—both die on the same day. That’s just how patriotic they were.
these two guys are not really thomas jefferson and john adams. I just wanted to be clear.
June 2008
2 posts
I know.
no poem for JFK yet. shame on me.
May 2008
4 posts
A Letter to Truman, the Most Perserverant of All...
Dearest Harry, Bespectacled man, I admire thee greatly. Persistent failure, you trudged on, agressive: Snubbed over and over by the woman you loved, You won her at last with your ardor oppressive. A failure at farming, a failure at oil, Blind in one eye, but tenacious as ever, You memorized eye charts to join the army— A first in your life: a successful endevour. Without a middle name to...
franklin pierce was rather attractive
“One of Pierce’s campaign slogans was ‘We Polked you in 1844; we shall Pierce you in 1852.’” found here.
A Sonnet for Ulysses S. Grant, or, Ten Thousand...
O Grant! Many a stogie did you smoke— Tobacco clenched tight between lips so firm: You inhaled TEN THOUSAND over a five year term. I imagine you were quite a smelly bloke, With fiercer attitude than James K. Polk, Plus cigar breath that made enemies squirm. Scandal followed you like a parasitic worm Corrupting your office like some sick joke. Your presidency fell into disarray, The economy...
A Triolet for James Monroe, Or, My Era of Good...
I have a doctrine for you, Monroe— And I call it the Doctrine of Love. O, colonize my lands both high and low! I have a doctrine for you, Monroe: For ‘tis you who sets my heart aglow: Nary another pres but you I’m thinking of! I have a doctrine for you, Monroe, and I call it the Doctrine of Love.
April 2008
6 posts
A belated poem for John Tyler
It must have hurt, John Tyler, to be an afterthought— “Tippecanoe and Tyler too” got you so distraught That you went out and had sex a lot. You had sex and sex, then sex some more Until you had fifteen little Tylers to adore But the Whigs just hated you more than before. If copious children weren’t enough to impress— Heaps and heaps of spawn in excess— You’d start a new nation...
A Half Sestina for a Half-Assed President
Lazy, half-assed James Buchanan Has a pocket constitution to which he sometimes refers To tell him what is wrong and right. With great patience, sitting on his hands In the White House he waits and waits, then waits again, Hoping for a peaceful end to secession. But no one told him about secession. No one ever told ol’ doughface Buchanan. When it happens in one state, it will happen...
my birthday.
Two Cinquains for Thomas Jefferson
I was kind of unnerved when I heard Crazy Tom, that you slept seated erect. A bed so short for a man so tall Just couldn’t have been very right at all— And your neck must have been stiff, I suspect. look at this. look at that bed! ******************************** I hold this truth to be self-evident, Jefferson, that you were a sexy fellow: Quiet and strong with talents divine,...
Grover Cleveland, Corpulent Man
to Grover Cleveland’s illegitimate child Grover, Grover, corpulent man, Way cooler than presidents half your span. Champion of gold and twice-elected, You fathered children unexpected,* Hanged many men by your own hand, And had a jaw as rubber as a rubber band. Grover, Grover, corpulent man— Broader than an alluvial fan, I admire your skills as county sheriff And your efforts...
March 2008
2 posts
Haiku for Andrew Jackson, Who Was a Jerk
for ariel g., who hates andrew jackson with every fiber of her being Fuck you, Andrew J. Manifest Dest’ny, my ass. Old Hickory jerk.
For James Madison, Who Was an Inch Taller Than I
O diminutive and delicate flower, Tiny, wee father of the Constitution— Your persuasive words carried tremendous strength Despite your stature so Lilliputian.
As you wrote of factions and bicameralism, You threw all 100 pounds into your writing— With your teeny fingers, you composed the bill of rights And protested aliens and sedition: how exciting! Though you led the...
February 2008
8 posts
A Picnic with George Washington
I want to eat soft foods with you, Washington: Puddings and cakes and ice creams— We could picnic and talk of many things Like foreign policy and war—and your dreams. As you nibble gingerly on some brie You could tell me about your plantation, And furthermore, your oath of office Which you took with trepidation. And then, crying over mashed potatoes You might recount the harrowing tale Of...
the day after presidents' day
phew. what a day.
I feel that I should draw your attention to this
I feel that I should draw your attention to this post. apparently, the presidents were quite poetical themselves. while I have your eyes, I’d like to point out what a wise-ass old abe lincoln was: Abraham Lincoln is my name And with my pen I wrote the same I wrote in both hast and speed and left it here for fools to read I think I would have liked to be abe’s bff.
HAPPY PRESIDENTS' DAY!
today is the best holiday of all holidays: presidents’ day. apparently, presidents’ day was originally enacted in 1880 to celebrate washington’s birthday. then, lincoln lovers all over were like, “what about abe? he was born in february, too!” and then people started celebrating not just ol’ george, but lincoln, as well. here in the great state of massachusetts,...
Terza Rima for William Henry Harrison, Who...
We had a good thing going, ol’ Tippecanoe. But then you had to talk—and talk some more— ‘Twas your oratorical fireworks that killed you! You had to keep talking since you were so hardcore, But because of your cold, Tyler gained the nation, Though he was racist and kind of a whore. Granny Harrison, you have my admiration Though you spent your presidency half-dead ...
To Ronald Reagan, Who Disliked Hippies
Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan, I too hate hippies, truly, with all their drugs and silly songs and smelling of patchouli. Anti-commie, Ronnie R., you really gave it to those reds— wielding your shield and Peacemaker, you tore them right to shreds! And oh, as an actor, you were so convincing and debonair— especially in your pivotal role in the mighty Iran-Contra Affair. You gave the...
January 2008
16 posts
oh no!
ok, I’m not gonna lie. today is FDR’s birthday and I’m having a lot of trouble with him. there’s just too much! he’s a freaking superhero! eventually I’ll pull through, but I thought I should be honest about the fact that I’m a failure. a big failure.
To William McKinley and His Eyebrows
note: I used an extra large image for emphasis O luxuriant eyebrows! O thickets divine! President of superciliary design! Tufts like wings—you could take flight Into the air like a presidential kite. Oh Bill, do you groom them that way? Carefully crafting that hirsute spray Springing forth from thine head like Athena With the gentle grace of a ballerina? McKinley, McKinley, thanks for Guam But...
A Villanelle for Alexander Hamilton, Honorary...
Alexander Hamilton, what a babe you were! I think as I gaze upon this crispy bill— And nobody likes you, Aaron Burr. Most expert and gifted raconteur, With your slanderous writing skill, Alexander Hamilton, what a babe you were. Mighty as a bear and tall as a fir! Swift like a ninja with fists that could kill! And nobody likes you, Aaron Burr. Federalist favorite, my heart you do stir,*...
All I Can Do for Richard Nixon (January 9)
nixon, nixon, prominent chin, oh the trouble you got in!
To Andrew Johnson, My Favorite Presidential Tailor...
johnson, johnson from tennesee, worst president ever? at least top three! face like a hatchet, but fingers so nimble, a first-rate president with a thimble. your time at the top was im-peachy keen; too bad your qualms with amendment fourteen and your tenure of office violation caused unfortunate presidential termination. I hear you were drunk during your inauguration— now that deserves...
A Sonnet for Millard Fillmore (January 7)
Millard, Millard, I love you so, Best president, and so sexy, as well— The hottest resident of Buffalo, Towards you I would never rebel. O indentured servant of my heart, Weave a cloth of love for you and me; Though you tore the U.S. apart You’ll never separate this adoree. You may Know Nothing about latin or greek, But my darling, neither do I’s— Still, you make my knees go weak With the way you...
A Serious Poem for a Serious Dude (December 28)
W is for women, whom you gave the right to vote; this I is actually a I, for the war you did promote. L is for the League of Nations, which was a pretty big flop, S is for sedition, which you attempted to stop. O is for old, which you were when you were elected, and N is for the Nobel Prize and the peace you affected. YAY WOODROW WILSON!
An Apology to Zachary Taylor (November 24)
Sorry about the cholera Old Rough ‘n’ Ready, You may have been tough But apparently you had the tummy Of a wussy little girl. Your vice president Millard Never would have let cholera Get him down.
To MVB (December 5)
King of muttonchops, King of my heart O Martin Van Buren, you know how to start That fire inside me. You gave me butterflies in my solar plexus With your sexy policies on Texas And those crazy Cherokees. “Martin Van Ruin!” said the Whigs, But you just went on eating figs, Which were your favorite food. You didn’t give a shit about their cries Since they were all terribly...
A Haiku for James A. Garfield (November 19)
Hi, James A. Garfield I hear you liked to read books Well, that’s pretty hot.
To Franklin Pierce (November 23)
This poem is over before I start— I do not think I have the heart to mock poor Franklin Pierce.
To Chester A. Arthur on his 178th Birthday...
Chester, Chester, walrus man, You can be president, I know you can. When Garfield kicked the bucket, you stepped in And showed them you didn’t need to win Some silly election. You showed those Chinese immigrants who was in charge And they feared you since were so large. When you signed the Tariff Act of 1883 You never seemed so sexy to me— Oooh, Chester, Chester , walrus man.
To John Adams, Not Quincy (October 30)
My favorite federalist, Johnny A, Always knowing what to say When talking to people About independence and stuff.
You wanted to be called “his high mightiness,” But you had to acquiesce To plain ol’ president John. Sorry about that.
You waited to die Till the fourth of July Because you had such a crush on America. That’s fucking hardcore, John Adams.
To Lincoln (February 12)
You were a stone-cold fox, o Honest Abe With your beard, your tie, your hat, The Whig party ne’er saw such a babe So skinny and tall, not fat.